Seinfeld Gang Discusses 2012 Republican Candidates

This column first appeared @ E-Crap in 2012

Jerry bites on an apple while reading the newspaper. The buzzer sounds. 

Buzzer: It’s George 

Jerry: Come on up. 

George enters. 

Jerry: Hey George. What did you think of that Republican debate? 

George: What did I think? What did I THINK? Major Mitt envy! I think it might have moved when he was talking about how successful he is. 

Jerry: What?! It moved for MITT ROMNEY? 

George: It’s envy, Jerry. He’s everything I always dreamt, or pretended, to be. He’s successful, has a full head of perfect hair, he’s cocky… he’s my exact opposite… envy Jerry, envy! 

Jerry: Hey, I’m envious of people too. But it doesn’t move for any of them. 

George: Jerry, please! You’re going to compare your envy to MY envy? NOBODY is as envious as me! I am the king of envy! Dear God, why can’t my dad be Mitt Romney? Look at my parents, then look at Mitt. Did you see that picture of his $12 million mansion in the Post today? 

Jerry: That wasn’t his – that was Tom Brady’s! 

George: Oh yeah. Mitt’s isn’t built yet. But it’s going to be even BIGGER than Brady’s. I should never have watched the damn debate!!! And now I’m envious of TOM BRADY too! Three Super Bowl rings, a supermodel wife… Jerry, do me a favor… (collapsing to the sofa), just kill me. 

Kramer stumbles in. 

Kramer: Hey do you have any apples? 

Jerry hands him the one he was chewing on. 

Kramer: That’s disgusting. 

Jerry: No, you want to know what’s disgusting, Mitt Romney pays less tax than we do. Well, less than me since neither of you work! 

Kramer: How does he do that? 

Jerry: I don’t know. Maybe he raises bees like Jon Bon Jovi, or rents property to an organic farmer like Springsteen. They each pay $100 a year! 

Kramer: I heard Mitt has like 50 billion dollars in the Cayman Islands. 

George: Oh God, I think it moved again! 

Kramer: What, George? 

Jerry: Ignore him, George has a man-crush on Romney because he’s rich, cocky, and has hair! And he doesn’t have 50 billion!!! 

Kramer: well he has 5 billion. I know for a fact. 

Jerry: I’m going to hate myself for asking, but I will anyway. How do you know that is a fact? 

Kramer: You know Bob Sacamano? He knows someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows Mitt Romney’s butcher. 

Kramer snaps his tongue. 

Jerry: Well there it is. I never should have doubted (sarcasm, makes face). 

Kramer: And… he has three wives, two mistresses, and a harem. 

George: Oh, God… 

Jerry: You’re both insane! Why do I even hang out with you two? 

Kramer: Well… who are you voting for Jerry? (Kramer whines) Don’t tell me (drawls) Ron Paul? 

Jerry: No! Not Ron Paul. I’m a NEWT man! 

Kramer: Newt Gingrich? Why him? 

Jerry: Because he gets to the root, and pulls it out! Like PRELL! 

George: Prell? Who even uses Prell anymore? You see Mitt’s hair? He uses Alterna! You’re gonna compare Mitt’s hair to Newt’s hair? 

Jerry: I’m not comparing hair! Besides, I like the helmet hair look! It looks big!! 

Kramer: The butcher said Mitt’s pretty, um, big, too? 

Jerry? Big? 

Kramer: You know… (looks toward his crotch) 

George: ENVY HERE!!!!! 

Buzzer sounds, Jerry answers. 

Buzzer: It’s Elaine. 

Jerry: Come on up. 

Elaine enters. 

Jerry: And where were you? You were supposed to be here an hour ago. 

Elaine: I know. I stopped off at Zuccotti to yell at some 1 percenters, but some of the freaks mistook me for a 1 percenter and stole my shoes! All because I was wearing my Botticellis! So what if I want to wear Botticellis! Can’t a person wear nice shoes??! 

Jerry: Then what happened? 

Elaine: Well this freak girl starts yelling ‘hey look I have Botticelli face’s shoes’ and they start tossing them around, and I’m chasing them barefoot but the freaks are too tall and fast. So I go get a cop, and the next thing I know 80 cops are rushing the protestors, they start spraying tear gas, and the freak drops my shoes and runs. So I run back into the park with my face covered, and these biker hick chicks think I’m a Muslim and beat me up! 

Jerry, George, and Kramer all listen, amazed, mouths open. 

Elaine: So I’m trying to fight them off yelling ‘I’m not a Muslim, I just love my shoes’ and finally I break free, start running away barefoot, and a cop grabs me, puts me in a paddy wagon for defacing private property for walking barefoot in the park! He points to the sign, must wear shoes and shirt. So I tell him they stole my shoes! We start driving up town to be arraigned, and as we drive away the cops spot Andy Dick on the sidewalk, so they pull the wagon over and run out to beat him up for existing, I guess, and when they left to harass Andy Dick I jumped out. 

Jerry: Did you get your shoes back? 

Elaine: No! Do these look like Botticellis to you? 

Jerry: Where did you get them? 

Elaine: I stole them from a homeless woman! 

All three men: Ohhhhhhh. 

Elaine: So what did I miss? 

Jerry: We were talking about last night’s Republican debate. I’m voting for Newt, George has a man crush and major envy with Romney, and Kramer… oh yeah, who are you voting for Kramer? 

Kramer: No, I don’t vote. 

George: You don’t vote? 

Kramer: if you WATCHED the debate, you’d know Santorum doesn’t want felons voting. Who am I to disrupt the harmony? 

Jerry: That’s stupid. 

Kramer: No more stupid than voting for Newt Gingrich! 

Elaine: (laughing) He’s got you there. 

Jerry: And who might you be voting for Laney? 

Elaine: Obama of course. 

Jerry: Oh yeah… the abortion issue! 

Kramer: I heard Mitt Romney’s slept with 40 different Victoria Secret models last year! 

George: ENVY!!!!!!!

Written by Bag - exclusively for 


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